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#2 - THE TWISTED HEIST
A star had just gone out in the distance, sending its entire system, planets and moons, into oblivion. So, what was a simple life compared to a sun? Did the human existence that earthlings highly cherished in the past deserve so much fuss?
I would say no, of course, because I’m a cat. Our condition to us felines will never have to pale in front of a shiny astronomical object. Mine specifically, don’t you think?
Oswald Avery was merely a Homo sapiens. A retired buccaneer, fermenting his adulterated wine on the carcass of a drifting supercargo; all under the remodeled features of a former Galactic Trade Company’s pilot. Alas, regardless of the genetic disguise, the FID rarely lied. It hadn’t fooled us and the masks had fallen off. Just like him.
I’m such a poet.
Anyway… Avery had had a long life of crimes and adventures. He was full of energy in his youth. And as in the universe, nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed, this energy was reincarnated in a nice amount in our bank account once the old picaroon flatlined.
“We finally got it! And it was a traditional Martian contract. Payable remotely, on condition that the FID is validated. How about that?”
“God… Lee … you’re talking to yourself and it’s only 8 a.m.,” Ali grunted behind me.
My couch potato of an associate had her head still stuck in the cereal box she was nibbling before falling asleep binge-watching Captain Caveman on ABC.
“To begin with, it’s 8 p.m., Martian Time. And we do have a positive balance in our bank account for the first time in months! Do you know what that means, partner?”
“Shopping, bitches!” she shouted as she hurled herself into the void, gliding to the bathroom in the weightlessness.
With the cardboard box on the top of her head, this sugar bishop was swimming after the remnant cereals that floated on her path like Ms. Pac-Man.
“Hell! Have I just opened Pandora’s box?”
The liner Danaë and its forty-eight post-nuclear Baltimore-XVIII heavy reactors made its annual cruise from Lunapolis to the suburbs of Ceres, in the belt. Its figurehead with the effigy of the Greek princess was a two hundred meters long, green ceramic statue. The size of the ship exceeded some inhabited asteroids’ diameter so it possessed its own substantial gravitational field.
“It’s quite a symbol of the decline of humanity,” I said to Ali, pointing with my chin at this unique work of art.
“Why?” my partner asked without caring whatsoever. “Spill the beans, Plato.”
The Kitty had obtained permission to dock and began its approach. I concluded then:
“Humanity no longer erects great and beautiful things without turning them into a shopping mall.”
The gold and ivory Danaë was one of the most luxurious epicenters of human decadence in the system; comprising hotels, casinos, megastores and amusement parks spread over a dozen centrifugal rings. There was something for everyone’s wallet, ready to be emptied, whether one was welcomed at the port or had joined during the crossing.
And to my great regret, the cape of the Danaë was just passing by us that week.
“I believe we should keep our savings for the maintenance of the Swallow. The dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree. Some parts need to be changed…”
“You’re such a bore with your adult talks,” my partner said as she left the fitting room of a luxury chain overlooking the main deck. “What do you think of that? Sexy as fuck, right?”
Her camisole didn’t hide a single inch square of flesh and I subtly pointed it out to her:
“It’s a bit of a back-alley Sally.”
I took a blow on the nose which, this time, was amply justified.
“There’s nothing chicer than Borderline. You don’t know anything about fashion. It’s crazy!”
She was furious. It was entertaining. But she was right. The human female fads were way over my head and I wasn’t a good adviser. Mostly because I didn’t care. At all.
Fortunately, the upscale shopping mall where we were staying had provided us with a free assistant who was even more servile than a decerebrate canine. As usual, the robot carrier that accompanied us did the job by flattering her with its unbearable honeyed tone:
“I find you charming, Madame. Here we have the latest fashionable lingerie on Mars. It’s an ephemeral collection that appears to have been specially made to mold your discreet curves, which seem to have been sculpted by the seraphim.”
Ali gave me a satisfied look that I pretended to ignore. Then she backtracked into the fitting room to put her black suit and pink jacket back on.
I took the opportunity to climb on the shoulders of this silly robot, servant of our servants and last link in this hierarchy whose origins go back to Ancient Egypt.
“One more move like this and I’ll turn you into a gum dispenser.”
The automaton apologized before my partner’s head emerged from behind the silk curtains which were far too fragrant for my taste.
“I just checked; it’s too expensive anyway. I ain’t buying it,” she announced. “Can you order a taxicab to take us to the hotels’ ring? You’d be a sweetheart.”
Happy to leave this irascible human with her robotic slave, I proceeded to the nearest service terminal. By the time I requested a vehicle, a flying cigarette dispenser could light me a Lucky.
“It’s forbidden to smoke in our store, Monsieur.”
The customer attaché, in his blue silk suit with elephant legs, had appeared out of nowhere. Yet, with such a shiny tie, this punk should have dazzled me from the Kuiper belt.
“Please be kind and get me a Pepper Coke instead of ruining my eyesight…” I grumbled in response.
I was in an awful mood. I definitely hated shopping. And people. Yet the pedestrian avenues of the Danaë had a very exceptional population density. Perms were making a strong comeback, as were neon tattoos and overly open flowered shirts. Under the false UVA/B sun, it was a true dance of flesh, steel and plastic bodies with assumed nudity. Implants and surgery erased the hazards of the genetic lottery for better or worse. It was so superficial. So futile. So human.
“Hello, handsome!” Ali cried out, a large smile across her face. “Lee? You didn’t tell me you knew Christophe Lambert! You know I'm a huge Highlander fan!”
My partner had just joined me, arms loaded with bags massive enough to live in it, start a family and park my chromic Pontiac Firebird. All were filled with C$400 t-shirts and sneakers that she didn’t need and would only put on once.
“No smell. Hologram,” I conclude by throwing my cigarette butt through the smiling ghost.
“Shame!” Ali sighed.
She then looked at her terminal, and continued:
“Do you think I have time to grab a watch module? There are sales in the Japanese aisle! I saw some GD-8 that would go well with my new Game Pocket! This boat is fucking rad!”
Ali could not stop humming Who wants to live forever. I had to rub my temples to avoid a migraine before the arrival of our taxicab five minutes later.
These were miniature limousines with double fake leather benches, facing each other at the back. There was a minibar with expensive multicolored drinks and sugar-soaked snacks, the sapiens’ primary source of calories and high Gs space travel drug. For the sensitive, the smart-fridge provided diet sodas with aspartame, but no one took it. Finally, there were free Gauloise cigarettes next to the ashtray on the armrest. And even Tylenol!
“What a time to be alive!”
Right after leaving the fashion district, a soft voice of a young woman, who appeared to us through the armored porthole separating her from her customers, finally emerged from the cockpit:
“Good evening! I’m Miss Meera. At your service. Hotel de Saint-Malo, correct?”
I nodded. She smiled at us. She was beautiful with her incredibly dark night metal skin that contrasted strongly with her silvery-white hair. She also had charming ivory eyes with absolutely no reflection. They were a mesmerizing void of light.
In fact, it was so rare to deal with a real person, and not an AI, that we engaged rapidly in a lovely and honest discussion with Meera. We were mostly talking about life on the Danaë. As she stated, the rules on board were very strict, even military. All was done to make sure that the customer had the most pleasant time at the expense of everything else. Finally, according to her, her condition wasn’t the most to be pitied in the cosmos. And she was fully satisfied with this precarious semi-nomadic existence.
“And what about you? Are you here on vacation or in transit for work?” she eventually asked. “What do you do for a living?”
Should we have told her that we were executing infamous people so Ali would collect expensive t-shirts and I could fulfill my nicotine addiction?
“Don’t get me wrong but I saw that you had a gun. Are you in the police… or are you pirates?”
It wasn’t the first time someone asked us this question. Although weapons were allowed on most ships and stations, it wasn’t wise to display them unless you were looking for trouble. Unfortunately, hiding such a large caliber under such a tight vest was a Herculean task.
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone”, simply quoted Ali, her forehead against the window covered with scented stickers.
Meera laughed before continuing:
“Very well, Al Capone. I understand that you’re not the type to let yourself be taken advantage of.”
The taxicab entered the central expressway after the water park then suddenly swerved violently to the left.
“What is going on?” I gasped.
After crushing the safety railing, we fell from one rotating bridge to the other in a frantic cavalcade. Judging by Meera’s swear words, this ride wasn’t part of the show.
Avoiding the stalls of an art market and a group of children coming out of an arcade, the driver finally managed to recover in extremis. It was about time, because within seconds we were passing through the transparent protective wall of the hotels’ deck.
“A thousand apologies! Another one of those mor… clients from the Middle System who doesn’t know how to use a rental car,” she shouted through the window. “Are you guys hurt?”
“No, thanks to you,” I replied, my tail spiked over my head, taped to Ali’s neck now decorated with bloody scratches.
Although my human forehead now had a bump on it the size of a golf ball, it was true that Meera had just saved our lives. This young girl had unsuspected driving talents despite taxicabs’ lack of handling. She didn’t belong here, playing the steward in a yellow circus uniform. This woman should have been a fighter pilot; or a NASCAR driver on Canyon Creek.
“In any case, here you’re almost in front of your hotel,” she replied. “You don’t have to pay anything, and I apologize again for the scare.”
From the outside, the taxicab now looked like a can of nutrigel after going through a crusher. Yet, it still worked. May God Darwin bless Venusian steel.
After thanking her, we wished Meera a good day. But the cockpit window suddenly went down on the passenger side. The smile of the driver had faded. She had tears at the corner of her white eyes.
“Wait!” she asked. “This weapon… do you really know how to use it?”
So, life on the Danaë wasn’t so sweet. As Meera explained to us in a secluded alleyway, a trio of criminals had come to threaten her a few days earlier, after finding she was a bodacious driver. They were preparing a heist in one of the flying city’s fifty casinos. The young woman was now ready to pay the price to settle the case.
“What is your opinion about this whole situation?” I asked Ali, once in our room, a small yet cozy suite whose glass walls overlooked the vacuum of space.
My human had applied a brownish ointment on her hump, which disappeared soon after, leaving only a slight pinkish hematoma.
“Meera said she would provide us with more details tomorrow. However, if she ponies up the cash, I don’t see why we would refuse. We ain’t mercs but these three guys must have a bounty on their heads. Let’s do our job, right?
“Indeed…”
All we had to do was wait for more instructions. Fortunately, it had been months since we had been able to take days off except on miserable gas stations full of drug addicts, implants scavengers and prostitutes.
After another morning of shopping, Ali went to the thalassotherapy center of the neighboring hotel. Her main occupation? Overeating sushi made by 3D nutrigel printing while getting massages.
Alas, I didn’t have the time to bask under the false sun of the lakeside resort and get my belly stroked. As a good captain, I had to go to the maintenance to fix the numerous damages of the Kitty. As always, the bill would be higher than expected.
Everything was orchestrated so that we would never hold a positive balance in this corrupted system. We had to chain contract after contract.
But Meera’s gig didn’t sound right. There was something I didn’t like and I couldn’t catch it yet. All my cat sensors were in the red. Unfortunately, the bounty hunter’s ones only saw the green of the bills.
Don’t judge me.
The young taxicab driver had finally contacted Ali again by holoconference in the early afternoon, shortly before I joined her at the exit of the tanning booths. Or as I called them: human toasters.
“Have you finished roasting like a Thanksgiving turkey?” I asked her as she plunged into the icy water of the adjacent basin, under the lustful gaze of a group of cadets from the Marine Academy.
“Meera will pick us up with a new taxicab in the hotel parking lot,” she whispered once back to me. “Alongside her, we will meet two of the criminals at the burglary location, shortly before midnight.”
“Go on.”
“We take care of these guys and we catch up with the last one: the band leader, in the storage cavities of the hangar reserved for the ship’s logistics. Below the last rotating ring.”
In Eve’s costume, Ali came out of the basin, not without deliberately drenching me. The water had a nasty chemical taste from being filtered day after day.
“Do you have any intelligence on these jokers?” I insisted while lighting a cigarette.
“The Broadway Gang. Three brothers. C$45,000 for the trio. We will also be able to recover at least C$10,000 of Techno-federal tax on their ship depending on its condition. Easy cash with the dollar credits that Meera promises us…”
Now sitting on the ledge, my partner splashed her feet to demonstrate her eagerness to head back swimming.
“Excellent! This will pay for the maintenance and allow us to save some money on our way to the belt.”
“Can I go now?” she asked, sliding back into the water.
“You may,” I had concluded before seeing her leave for her absurd wanderings that would fill her afternoon.
I myself was very busy making eyes at the wealthy guests of the hotel restaurant to glean a few pieces of Peking duck or juicy crabs. They were real farm animals from Mars. Not nutrigel. It was worth abandoning a little dignity aside.
With a full belly, I finally joined Ali in the middle of the evening. Arriving in the corridor of our suite, I crossed the group of cadets noticed near the swimming pool. They seemed tired but blissfully smiling as they just discovered the nirvana. And I knew why…
“Ali? Are you ready?” I said as I walked through the half-open bedroom door.
Her dressing gown had been thrown on the floor. Her gun and badge were resting on the bedside table against a giant bottle of Koala Springs soda and a pyramid of little Yoyo Mints.
To be honest, I expected a bigger mess.
“Gimme five minutes,” she replied while in the shower.
An hour later, we met Meera in the staff parking lot behind the recycling stations. Without further discussion, we joined the expressway in the taxicab. Between two noisy info-ads, the radio played Sweet Transvestite then the rest of the mythical Rocky Horror soundtrack.
“I wonder what Tim Curry’s up to these days,” asked Ali while browsing the intraweb on her implant.
“Being legendary as usual,” I answered.
Afterwards, the casino was in sight. But once on the forecourt illuminated by the gold and silver bulbs, we heard gunshots and screams. My partner and I quickly realized that this was a violent robbery rather than a modest heist.
“What the fuck, Meera?” Ali asked, turning to the porthole that separated us from the cockpit.
There was a hint of irritation in her voice.
Meera remained mute, her hands on the wheel and her gaze forward. In the rear-view mirror the young woman looked panicked.
The right door of the vehicle suddenly opened and two men sat down in front of us. They were wearing theater masks: the first was Melpomene, the sad grimace of tragedy; the second, Thalia, the twisted smile of comedy. Each brigand carried a huge metal block under his arm; drawers that were sure to be full of cash. On the other hand, they held their still smoking ZeG-4 machine guns even more firmly.
When they saw us, they both gasped, in unison:
“What the fuck, Meera?”
One… two. One… two.
Four holes in their faded tuxedo. Four bullets as big as a cat’s eye that silenced them forever, before slowly repainting the bench in red.
“What the fuck was that? You killed them!” Meera shouted this time, as she started the electric engine. “You had tasers at your disposal, you psychos!”
She had finally turned around. Her voice was quivering. She was no longer panicked, but angry.
The tasers must have slipped between the seats because I hadn’t seen them. My partner raised her eyebrows and it made me realize that their use had never been in mind.
“We’re bounty hunters, not 9 to 5 social workers!” continued Ali. “Now, you gotta motor, otherwise the cops will shoot our ass on the spot before we could even meet the third dude!”
Meera put her foot on the pedal and one could almost hear the noise of the thrusters melting the white asphalt.
“I can perceive the sirens, Ali,” I concluded before Meera entered the ring's external road reserved for logistic transport.
We then had the shortest car chase we had taken part in. The Danaë security forces may not have had the best elements in the system, but Meera’s talents didn’t give them a chance. We had crossed half a dozen rotative bridges to the rhythm of Take on Me, zigzagging between expressways and maintenance tunnels to arrive before the song ended at the deserted logistics hangar.
It was similar to a huge supermarket with honeycombed shelves. Each of these garages, dimly illuminated by red LEDs, housed a delivery or transport vessel. There was the most impressive fleet I had ever seen.
In one of the first level’s cells stood, between a set of clamps, a Swift-0 scout, from Peugeot Corp, with wings spread. The Swifts were small and very high-end single-seaters. They could be modified to integrate weapons systems, but their primary characteristics were velocity and evasion.
Leaning on the flank of the mono-turbine, the last of the three criminals, a tall blond man with a “Chevy Chase” prominent chin was looking down on the approaching taxicab.
“Were they planning to escape on that ship? The three of them?” I remarked when the vehicle stopped a few meters from the small vessel.
But Meera ignored me.
“Hand me the money, I’m going out. That was the agreement.”
The porthole opened at its base, allowing us to pass the steel cash drawers. Once the taxicab’s ignition was turned off, only their holographic numbers glowed in the dark.
“It’s all over if his cronies don’t stick their noses out of the car,” Ali replied, finally giving the second drawer away. “He’s going to figure out that it went south. He will kill you!”
Outside, the man was getting impatient. Blinded by the taxicab’s headlights, he came closer before exclaiming:
“Zéphyr, are you there? Where are my brothers? Security is closing all the departure modules. We will be stuck here, for fuck’s sake!”
He now had a gun in his hand. A machine gun identical to those of his companions currently bathed in their blood, nailed to the seats.
“Zéphyr? Wait… I know that name!” I meowed to myself.
The doors and portholes of the taxicab were locked. Ali and I were now stuck in the back with the two flatlined and most wanted criminals on the ship.
“Sorry guys, but I’ll handle the rest.”
Miss Meera, alias Zéphyr, smiled at us through the armored glass just before leaving the cockpit by the driver’s door.
“What a fucking piece of shit… Lee? Do you have a plan? I think the windows are bulletproof. I don’t feel like testing. Especially if it’s bouncing around with us inside, we will be turned into ground beef!”
“Did you forget who I am, my dear?”
I was already crawling under the seat, between a pair of Méduse shoes and half nibbled fried rat wings. It was time to demonstrate all my infiltration skills learned from Ninja Gaiden. Unfortunately, both the crab and the duck slowed me down and my belly remained for a few seconds stuck under the driver’s seat with my head on the brake pedal. How outrageous!
From the porthole, I saw Ali watching what was happening in front of us, near the ship. Our eyes met for a brief moment and I could read on her lips: “diet kibble”.
“Better off dead!” I shouted.
My paw reached the bottom of the dashboard, activating the mechanical opening of doors and windows. And, accidentally, the loudest horn in this dimension.
“My bad!”
My sapiens immediately jumped outside, pointing her gun to Zéphyr. Surprised by the thunderous din, her target pivoted towards us, uncovered, turning her back to the human with the magnificent chin and his ZeG-4 who yelled:
“What in the whole universe is that? Wait! I know her! Did you bring us bounty hunters? You were clearly planning to double-cross us!”
The man shouted and his gun produced a rain of bullets. It first hit the windshield of the taxicab, passing through the conductor compartment where I was. The rounds bent the windscreen, but it held. This wasn’t, however, the case for the hood, protecting the engine and the reservoir full of coolant, which ended up covering the seat and my face.
Fortunately, the sticky alcohol allowed me to escape from this trap and jump out of the vehicle through the window I had previously opened. But, once again, a fire ring enveloped the ZeG-4’s cannon.
“This is how I die…” I meowed, eyes closed.
I was violently tackled and hit the ground. Zéphyr had saved me at the last moment, just before bullets obliterated the front of the taxicab.
Other projectiles ricocheted off the metal money drawers on the floor and got lost in the ceiling, activating the fire sprinklers. This incident triggered a silent light alarm throughout the hangar while the mobster prepared a new salvo.
“Don’t hurt my pilot, you narbo!” roared my partner.
Ali, this time taken as a target, retaliated. She fired a single shot towards the rascal with a formidable precision. No one knew how to handle such a heavy gun as she did. She was my human. She was the best in her field: murder.
And I taught her everything. Almost.
The leader of the robbers tried to reload the magazine of his weapon, unaware that his heart had been punctured a few seconds before. Adrenaline was doing its job. But the blood loss caused by the explosion of the aorta at its base, near the ventricles, gradually stopped him in his gesture. His pressure dropped and the bloodstream no longer reached the brain sufficiently. He was already in a coma when his shoulders touched the ground. He was luckier than the average Joe and died a few seconds later.
“Is everything all right?”
My voice was trembling, still in shock from this disaster. I was wet and frozen.
Zéphyr got up with difficulty. Next to us, one of the metal drawers was opened, revealing a bunch of green bills and a much stranger booty: an eight-inch gold diskette with suspicious Chinese symbols.
Well… I couldn’t read them but Chinese symbols on stuff are always suspect, aren’t they?
But there were more important matters. Because my partner, on the other hand, stayed on the ground. Blood was dripping from her black suit and mixed with the clear firefighting fluid that was falling like an endless rain.
I tried to talk to her again but my voice was lost in a groan.
“Why are you whining, you big baby? It’s just blood.”
With her nose in a puddle, my sapiens smiled at me. Her left hand was compressing her abdomen. The bullet had passed through the external oblique muscle, far from the stomach.
It wasn’t that bad after all but she had scared me. And that deserved a scratch on the wrist that made her scream:
“What the fuck?”
“And the medical expenses? Have you thought about medical expenses? We don’t have insurance!”
“God, Uncle Scrooge! I hate you!”
“We won’t be able to fix the Kitty with your heroic outbursts!” I fulminated to mask my joy of seeing her in one piece.
“I will kill you, Muppet! I almost died! I don’t give a fuck about your rusty trash can which flies like a brick!”
It was true that we hadn’t had a fight for a long time.
“Guys…” intervened Zéphyr.
“What?”
Ali and I had spoken together.
“These three ruffians had planned to steal the diskette drive from me once I got back. I needed a hand, so… thank you… I guess.”
“You’re welcome,” my human answered dryly while sitting.
Although Zéphyr saved me, I didn’t share the same kindness:
“Wait, we’re not letting him go! Do you know who he is?”
Zéphyr. Prince of thieves. And yes, he wasn’t much of a princess either. Just an androgynous cyborg. A breakout king wanted throughout the entire system for his affiliation with the Data Brokers’ Guild. With an incredible bounty of C$800,000, she or he… whatever… was the knight of the brokers’ chessboard.
“I think we’ve had enough for today,” Ali said. “Unless you hope to go after him with these big fat guts of yours.”
“By the 79 moons of Jupiter, you shall pay for this, woman!” I meowed, angry.
My ears were backwards and my hairs were spiky. But soaking wet, it just made Ali and Zéphyr laugh.
Disgrace!
“He’s so cute when he’s furious,” he joked.
Now on his knees, the night-skinned androgynous was blotting Ali’s wound with a torn piece of fabric from his driver’s uniform.
“But more seriously, I need to go. With the bounty, you’ll be able to repair your vessel. As for the hospital fees, I will contact a good friend who will take care of you for free. She’s the ship’s chief medical officer.”
“Thank you,” I simply replied as he helped my partner get back on her feet.
“It’s the least I can do. I wasn’t interested in money. More important information is contained in this,” he said as he was picking up the floppy disk.
This golden diskette must have been worth a lot of cash for Zéphyr to play a taxicab driver to ensure coverage. I had perceived that something was fishy!
Then, halfway to his Swift-0, Zéphyr stopped. I witnessed his hesitation.
“There was nothing personal, you know. We’re all just trying to make our way. The best we can…”
And he ultimately left before adding:
“Maybe we’ll see each other again! You seem like fun.”
Before fleeing away, Zéphyr abandoned one of the boxes near the criminal’s corpse. Thus, he validated the theory of a robbery that had gone wrong. When the security arrived a few minutes later, we were the heroes of the day. And with a little bribe, nobody cared about Zéphyr’s missing ship.
This whole story surely left us a bitter taste. A feeling of defeat and humiliation that the swimming pool under the synthetic sun couldn’t make disappear even a week after.
“He undoubtedly played us as we were rookies, with his little face of a young innocent girl in distress,” I said to Ali right after the end of the daily Brett Maverick.
This old show was dispensed on a couple of giant screens suspended by drones.
Until now, Ali had remained silent on her deckchair; with a brick of sour juice stuck between her breasts and a pair of straws between her teeth. Only inaudible grunts emanated from her mouth since the departure of the sexually unclassifiable mugger.
“I wonder what information this fucking cyber-Tootsie could have been looking for in that casino,” my human mumbled as she squeaked her rainbow flip-flops.
“Admit that it’s not really that question that puts you in such a state…” I answered, now well installed on my motorized buoy that I had gotten as a gift in a diet kibbles package.
“You bet! I will have a nasty tan mark on my stomach with these bandages!” she exploded, spitting out her plastic straws with infinite curls.
My float slipped towards the ledge as a robot came to bring us our next glucose overdose.
Ali finally added:
“I swear that if we run into him again, I’ll smack his fucking angel face.”
Back to business! submitted by Just finished marathoning all Scorcese movies (except for the very first two) and this is my ranking, what do you guys think?
1-Taxi Driver 2-The Irishman 3-The King of Comedy 4-The Wolf of Wall Street 5-Silence 6-Ranging Bull 7-After Hours 8-Shutter Island 9-Bringing Out the Dead 10-Cape Fear 11-Gangs of New York 12-Hugo 13-The Departed 14-Goodfellas 15-Casino 16-The Last Temptation of Christ 17-Mean Streets 18-Alice Dosent Live Here Anymore 19-The Aviator 20-The Age of Innocence 21-New York, New York 22-Kundun 23-The Color of Money
submitted by Challenge: 1/1/20 - 12/31/20
This has been a crazy year for everyone. I fell behind on my reviews, I've attempted to catch up in the last two months, but here we are. I've now delayed my 2021 challenge so I just need to dump the rest and do better this year. Sorry for the half ass work. So here is my last 32 films on the year that I have the least to say about.
Last Christmas (2019)- Watched 07/17/20 - RotTom critics - 47% RotTom users - 81%
This film is a cute rom-com. The critics are too hard on it. If you want a nice entertaining rom-com, this is it, nothing too special about this one. -Score - 3/5
The Lovebirds (2020)- Watched 7/19/2020 - RotTom critics - 66% RotTom users - 51%
This film is more Com than Rom. Once again, if you are looking for this kind of movie, you'll be satisfied, if not, just skip it. -Score - 3/5
Clueless (1995)- Watched 07/28/20 - RotTom critics - 81% RotTom users - 76%
This film is a pretty unique High School movie. I quite liked it, it was humorous in a special way. Thi movie, like Lion King is based on Shakespear's Hamlet, is based on Jane Austen's Emma. It's a brilliantly intelligent film, wrapped in a California high school comedy. I recommend for all. -Score - 4.5/5
Onward (2020)- Watched 8/8/2020 - RotTom critics - 88% RotTom users - 95%
This film is not up to snuff with he rest of Pixar's original films. The themes were not as groundbreaking and the story was not as captivating. I was disappointed. Of the 23 Pixar films, this one would rank bottom 5 for me. That being said, Pixar is great, and their worst movies are still decent movies. -Score - 2.5/5
Casino (1995)- Watched 7/26/20 - RotTom critics - 80% RotTom users - 93%
Have you ever been sitting there thinking, I want to watch Goodfella's but slightly worse? This is the film for you. It's good, but not great. I think I even like Irishman more. If you like Scorsese, or crime movies, I reccomend. -Score - 4/5
The Lighthouse (2019)- Watched 9/7/2020 - RotTom critics - 90% RotTom users - 72%
This film was advertised to me as a 2020 Oscar snub. I disagree. I like experimental film but I thought this one was a little too boring. I can see where some like this one, but not me. Great acting performances by Dafoe and Robert Patterson. People need to stop sleeping on Patterson, I'm excited to see him as Batman. -Score - 2/5
The Impossible (2012)- Watched 11/12/20 - RotTom critics - 92% RotTom users - 84%
This film is the most boring disaster movie ever? I'm shocked at how high the scores are on this film. I do not recommend this one to anyone, and if you do watch it, drink a few cups of coffee first. -Score - 1.5/5
I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020)- Watched 9/16/2020 - RotTom critics - 81% RotTom users - 47%
This film is the most convoluted film I've seen this year. I could see underneath all the insane things that were happening there was a good movie. The critics are cowards, they clearly saw an artistic movie and gave it high ranks, the users are correct here. I understand the film now, that I've looked in the source material, but you shouldn't have to have a manual to understand your film. Kaufman, is a great screenwriter, I'm not sure if he is a good director. -Score - 1/5
Guns Akimbo (2019)- Watched 9/23/20 RotTom critics - 52% RotTom users - 40%
This film is a wild ride. You are thrown into a crazy, world with a crazy plot. Everything Daniel Radcliffe does these days are always weird and original. This movie is just ok, it receives a higher score based on originality alone. -Score - 2.5/5
Being John Malkovich (1999)- Watched 10/4/20 - RotTom critics - 93% RotTom users - 87%
This film is an example of good Kaufman. Reigned in by Spike Jones, a great film is churned out. This movie is so oddly funny, I highly recommend if you want to see a weird little comedy that is amazingly orginal. -Score - 4.5/5
The Devil All The Time (2020)- Watched 10/8/2020 - RotTom critics - 65% RotTom users - 80%
In a year where there are not many new films, this movie coming out on Netflix can shine. Most years this movie would probably fall to the wayside. But with not too many films to compete with, this films stands out as a good, not great, thriller. I recommend, if you are looking for a serious entertaining movie. -Score - 4/5
Stranger Than Fiction (2006)- Watched 10/15/20 - RotTom critics - 73% RotTom users - 85%
This film is a forgotten gem of Will Ferrell. A mix of drama and comedy Ferrell really shows off his acting chops. I love old Ferrell's comedies but it's nice to see he can play a serious role as well. This film is a crowd-pleaser, I recommend to all. -Score - 4/5
Good Time (2017)- Watched 10/16/2020 - RotTom critics - 92% RotTom users - 81%
This film was directed by the Safdie brothers. I loved Uncut Gems so I wanted to see some of their earlier work. You can see a similar style in this film, I'm excited to see what they do in the future. Also Robert Patterson is great in this film as well. He is about to become a huge star.-Score - 3.5/5
Dolemite is My Name (2019)- Watched 10/24/20 - RotTom critics - 97% RotTom users - 91%
This film is FANTASTIC. I regret not giving it it's own post. I talked about Oscar snubs, this should have been competing for Best Picture last year. This movie is dramatic and hilarious and everything in between. Eddie Murphy is tremendous, his best performance ever possibly. Everyone needs to watch this film, I recommend to all. This may miss my top 5, but it's #6 then. -Score - 5/5
The Princess Bride (1987)- Watched 10/25/2020 - RotTom critics - 97% RotTom users - 94%
This film is a favorite among a certain age group. I am too young to be a part of the childhood hype. But watching this film, you can tell why it is so special to some people. It's just a fun movie. You can't help but smile while watching. -Score - 4/5
Due Date (2010)- Watched 10/26/20 - RotTom critics - 39% RotTom users - 52%
This film trash. Straight garbage. After The Hangover made Galifianakis a star and it is clear they just greenlit anything he was in. RDJ also couldn't save this unfunny comedy. I do not recommend this one to anyone. -Score - 0.5/5
The Rock (1996)- Watched 10/31/2020 - RotTom critics - 66% RotTom users - 85%
This film is know as Michael Bay's best film. That's not saying much, he is the one who made the Bad Boys movies and the 100 Transformers movies. This one is entertaining because it is so wild. It is so over-the-top, it's hard not to smile at it. IF you like dumb action movies, check this one out, if you like substance, skip this one. -Score - 3.5/5
Interview with a Vampire (1994)- Watched 11/1/20 RotTom critics - 63% RotTom users - 86%
This film is only two hours but it feels like 10. Cruise and Pitt give two good performance in this one but it drags. I also do not know who this movie is for, I'm not sure who I would recommend this one for. So I won't, skip this one. -Score - 2.5/5
Bourne Identity (2002)- Watched 11/8/2020 - RotTom critics - 83% RotTom users - 93%
I have never seen the Bourne tribology before and I saw it available on one of the streaming services so why not dive in? I was going to watch all three, until I watched Identity. Then I didn't want to watch the rest. This was just another action film to me, it didn't feel special at all. And maybe on 2002 the crazy swinging camera during fight scenes were cool, but not that I've seen John Wick. I demand better fight scenes. Tell me what I'm missing about this film/trilogy? -Score - 2.5/5
Time Freak (2018)- Watched 11/13/20 - RotTom critics - N/A RotTom users - 54%
This film is a very small unwatched movie. No critics reviewed it and less than 200 users rated this one. It's a cute sci-fi rom-com. I thought it was entertaining enough, this may the exact middle of my total rankings. Average. -Score - 3/5
Brave (2012)- Watched 11/14/2020 - RotTom critics - 78% RotTom users - 75%
So I've seen about 19 of the 23 Pixar films. Shocking enough, I skipped all the bad ones through the years. (Cars Trilogy) Brave is fine, nothing too remarkable or original. This may not be bottom 5 Pixar, but it is bottom 6. -Score - 2.5/5
Holidate (2020)- Watched 11/14/20 - RotTom critics - 45% RotTom users - 42%
This film is a silly premise Rom-Com. Kind of like Hall Pass where the writers make up a ridiculous situation and pretend it's a normal thing. This time a a pair of people pretend to date just for the holidays so their families don't pass judgement? This one is funny enough to beat the dumb premise, so if you are a rom-com fan, check it out. -Score - 3/5
Year of Spectacular Men (2017)- Watched 11/15/2020 - RotTom critics - 65% RotTom users - 69%
This film is not another Rom-Com, more like a Dramedy. Theses are the only movies my wife agrees to watch with me, so I am somewhat and expert of them. It was entertaining enough to not dislike it. This one will never be your favorite movie, but it won't be your least favorite. -Score - 3/5
Hail, Ceasar! (2016)- Watched 11/15/20 RotTom critics - 85% RotTom users - 44%
This film is a Coen Brother's film. I am trying to dip my toe into the Coen Brothers. I always like their films but I never love them. This one is pretty funny, but I do feel like I missed the overall point. Let me know if I should check out a different Coen brother's film besides Arizona and Lebowski.. -Score - 4/5
The Trial of the Chicago 7 (2020)- Watched 11/18/20 - RotTom critics - 90% RotTom users - 90%
This film was really great. I believe this will be in consideration for a 2021 Oscar for Best picture. I think in a normal year it could compete with the big hitters. Definitely check it out, it's on Netflix, this just missed out on my top 5 films of the year. -Score - 5/5
Killing them Softly (2012)- Watched 11/21/2020 - RotTom critics - 73% RotTom users - 44%
This film is a Brad Pitt thriller. It's ok, not great. Check it out if you like crime or mafia movies. If not just pass on this one. -Score - 3/5
Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)- Watched 11/25/2020 - RotTom critics - 52% RotTom users - 67%
This film is on the path of being a cult classic I feel. I think if you love Jack Black and his band Tenacious D, you would love this movie. I'm not a huge fan but I respect this movie. It's a unique funny musical. It's worth a watch if you are a comedy fan, and you may become a cult fan. -Score - 3.5/5
Happiest Season (2020)- Watched 11/26/20 - RotTom critics - 84% RotTom users - 88%
A new holiday themed Rom-Com. This is a Hulu original and it's just fine. More com than Rom, if you like that kind of movie this one will hit the spot. -Score - 2.5/5
Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (2020)- Watched 11/28/2020 - RotTom critics - 63% RotTom users - 78%
This film is straight trash. Ferrell is turning into Sandler, and it's more and more clear every year. A SNL star who made some great comedies early in his film career, and slowly proceeds to churn out worse and worse movies. I'm disgusted by the critics that haven't realized this. Like Sandler, Ferrell is capable of great acting, but takes the easy way out. Do not watch or support this garbage. It is competing with Sandler's Hubie Halloween for the worst film of 2020. -Score - 0.5/5
The Holiday (2008)- Watched 12/18/20 RotTom critics - 50% RotTom users - 80%
This film is a holiday themed Rom-Com. More Rom than Com. It's cute, not great. You can do way worse when it comes to holiday movie, so if you want an inoffensive movie, this is it. -Score - 2.5/5
Noelle (2019)- Watched 12/19/2020 - RotTom critics - 53% RotTom users - 58%
This film is not great. This and Lady and the Tramp live action was Disney + first original movies. Instead of starting off with a bang, it's clear Disney had a terrible film that they didn't to distribute to theaters. I love Kendrick and Hader but they could not save this film. Skip this one forever.-Score - 1/5
Christmas with the Kranks (2004)- Watched 12/18/20 RotTom critics - 5% RotTom users - 38%
This film should be considered the worst Christmas movie ever made. It is so boring, and dumb, and so low-stake. I knew it was going to be bad before I started, but I was shocked on how bad it was. Please never watch this one. And let me know if there is a worst Christmas movie, I'll watch it next year haha.-Score - 0.5/5
A few of these films cracked my top 10, but not my top 5. A bunch of these are in my bottom 10, and one broke the bottom 5. I have one film left to review in 2020! Then I can start my 2021 challenge.
HeyImAJoe's 2020 Top and Bottom
- Sunset Boulevard...........98. The Wedding Daze
- 1917.................................99. Don't Mess With Zohan
- The Gentlemen...............100. Christmas with Kranks
- Uncut Gems....................101. Love The Coopers
- Jaws..................................102. The Ridiculous 6
Today marks 828,928 years since my death,and to be honest,I wish I could have gotten out of here. At the beginning heaven was the best thing I could've had,I got to meet my dad again and most of the rest of my deceased family.During that time I learned that they were proud of me and my accomplishments but were sad to see me die only in my 50's from a stupid car crash.Death was good back then and I thought all my trobles were gone now.Now sure,I missed my wife and my kids but I knew that in a few years they're gonna join me and we would be all happy together.
During that time I had explored every single part of this world.every city,every town,every forest,every river,everything,I even saw three doing it in the ally in some random town in Haifa,IL,not like they could've seen me or anything.And this whole trip took me only 52 years.And when I finished my wife and one of my kids had already joined me.
After another 87 years finnaly my last child had joined me,but not all of them got into heaven,my 2nd child,John,was always a bad kid,I bailed him 4 times for assault and vandalising,to be honest,I wasn't suprised when he was charge for sexual assault by his girlfriend,if you could even call her that.Last I heard he was still suffering in those pits of hell like never before.
Its been 139 years,6 months and 3 days since I died,and I started getting bored.I decided that why not just have the best time of my godamn life,so I decided to just go to every casino there's on heaven.The best part? You always win when you wanna win.I dont remember how long I have been there,but lets just say about 3 months,or 3 years if you'd like.
And then what?,I thought for a moment,I love my wife and all but I miss on so much,my options are endless and to be honest,I think she thinks the same way.So I went ahead and decided to do every sexual fantasy I could have thinked of.All the colors,all the positions,all porn stars and models,all the everything.By the time I finished I saw my great,great,great,great,great grandson joinning his anncestors.so id say about 30 years went by,at least I wont have to worry about any basterds any time soon,or really any time.
So it about 160 years since I died and the world really looks like,well like shit.Everything looks so bleak and deppressing that Im suprised no one challenge the goverments about this,but then again no one really noticed the diffrence anymore when they're all in thier VR.
I decided you know what,I loved watch friends and I haven't really seen anything on TV since my wild ride.So I decided to watch all the episodes,and then watch all the episodes of that 80's show,then siendfield,then breaking bad,then everyshow that existed on earth,and then every Movie ever created.35 years well spent.At least I learned all the langueges that existed.
So now its been 195 years,I dont think even someone with my family name is still alive,because when I was watching some Israeli comedy show the world has gone into shit.At least the nukes gave us some fresh,warm faces back into heaven.But yea,there's almost nobody on earth anymore,and even if he's a decendent of me,it wont matter anyway since he might as well be the decendent of that billy mcroy next door.But at least humanity is still around,in Mars and Titan there are colonies of human civilazation.They all act like there's no way they will go down like earth did,but to be honest,they will destroy themself because that's what humans do,the Martian and Titanic colonies didn't stop humanity from extiction,it just delayed them.Soon they will fight there as well and it will all get destroyed for good.Unless of course they learn to create colonies outside the solar system.
I then decided to play every video game that existed back on earth,and since its all gone there will be a limited time frame to finish them all.I decided to go one by one and not to stop until I finished them all.It took my 3,240 years to master every single game out there,It was too easy,all games on heaven are too easy.It took me 3 hours just to die in dark souls.But to be honest most of them took no more than 30 minutes to complete,but hey,at least Im what my decendents use to call:"a true gamer".by far the longest thing I have ever done.Good thing the consept of time doesn't exist when playing video games because by the time I had finished all of them my prediction was right.the Martian colonies and the Titanic colonies had went to war with each other reasulting in the death of every single human being on both planets.
And the funniest thing? They fought over who should be considered the true succsesors of earth,even thou there are still about 60,000 humans living on planet earth,practicly in stone age,unaweare of what happening our there,unable fo understand what lived before them.One day I talked to one human from earth who just recently died,I think his name was Hunjak Mwtostabsa,and when he learned about all the history and all the wars that were in space he cried because he couldn't have compreheanded why there was so much violence out there,and for what? Some title? Glory that was worth nothing?
Its been 3235 years since I died,Im sure even the memories of the greatest of the humans that ever lived are forgotten,if not forgotten then memorized only as legends.I realized that there's so much information out there that I never learned,so much sience,so much literature,so much history,ans by god how much history,I mean Now that the people who had lived during all the great events of humanity are infront of you,why shouldn't you just go ahead and ask them any and all questions that you may have for them,of course they don't want to talk about it anymore since every single history nerd that ever lived asked those people all the questions,but I could still read the books past historians have written about them in person.
So I decided to read every book and learn every subject thats out there,even if I wont remember any of this,I'd still be satesfied.It took 400,164 years to read and learn everything.Saved some time back there by already knowing every aingle language out there.And by the time I had finished Humanity had rebuild and destroyed itself again.Now they starting to set up martian colonies again and had figured out how to travel to intersteller space,again,and had descovered past colonies thousands of light years away.and those colonies will destroy themselfs again and the whole process will repeat until not a single human will exist on this cursed universe.
I got bored again,I decided that you know what,I always talk about how space is so big and valuable,but I had never saw up close most of it.And so I decided to travel to every planet,every star,every solar system,every galaxy,every thing that there is out there.It took,suprisingly,only a month.I guess time really flew out there.But now I feel like there is no more point for my life,or death if yoy wanna be specific,to exist.
I had tasted every taste,I had smelled every smell,I had learned every subject,I had fuck every fantasy,I had seen every thing,I had heared every sound.
I don't know what to do anymore,I can't just die again,I can't just stop it all,every single second I spend here feels like I am a year in hell.I wanna just die already.
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