I know I'm ahead of the promised Friday release of this article, but between work and personal obligations tomorrow, I likely wouldn't have the time and/or energy to post this at the promised time. So here it is a bit early! I've been blown away by the response to the first part of this Hater's Guide, so I hope you enjoy this 2nd part! TEST CARD As we all know, USA didn’t make the World Cup because of recent brain donor Bruce Arena and his band of lolcows. This means a shorter MLS break than usual because the CONCACAF sides are usually the ones that go out early. Soccer-loving Millennials and MLS fans alike need to get their fix without breaking the bank, and can do so quicker than in World Cups past. Enter the power of SeatGeek. It’s a ticket aggregator that sorts all available tickets on a 1 to 100 scale in terms of value. It even organizes these tickets from red to green to show you how good of a deal it is. If it’s red, it’s as bad as Radamel Falcao at Manchester United. Avoid at all costs. If it’s green, we’re talking Sebastian Giovinco levels of value, so snap that shit up.
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And now, our feature presentation.
TEST CARD As promised, here’s the second half of my picks for the 2018 FIFA World Cup in Russia. We’ve only covered the first 16 teams in Groups A through D so far, so let’s take a gander at the other 16 contestants.
KNOCKOUT ROUND PICKS SO FAR: Uruguay, Egypt, Portugal, Spain, France, Peru, Argentina, Iceland Group E: Group of Death? Brazil Always a favorite to make noise, if not win the whole thing, the Seleçao seem to have mentally recovered from the thrashing the Germans gave them four years ago. Some of the flotsam from that team has been cleared away (David Luiz, anyone?), leaving gobs of attacking talent, but also a more cohesive defensive unit.
However, despite their newfound defensive shape, they’re still a bit suspect in that department, I think. When questions are asked of this back line, how will the Brazilians respond? And how will Thiago Silva’s legs hold up?
One thing you can bet your bottom dollar on is that this team will score. They will score in bunches. How can you not with attacking talent like Neymar, Coutinho, Willian, and Bobby Firmino? Brazil could sleepwalk through the group and top it.
Costa Rica This might’ve been the spot reserved for USA since they always get fucked by FIFA in World Cup draws. But this time around, it’s
Los Ticos that have to contend with the consensus Group of Death in this tourney.
The Costa Ricans are solid and experienced defensively, but they haven’t dealt with the firepower of Brazil too often. And where the fuck are all the goals?! Literally nobody selected for the World Cup has more than four—FUCKING FOUR—goals in their international career. The midfield and striking corps are very young as well, so this will be crucial big game experience for them. The Costa Ricans are not in “win now” mode. However, given Switzerland’s penchant for disappointment and the age of their squad as well, I think the second spot is Los Ticos’ for the taking. Why couldn’t USA beat these guys again?
Serbia Ho-ho, you guys are
FUCKED. You got the benefit of a comically weak group in UEFA qualifying and your squad was formed shortly after the Cambrian Explosion. Now you’re facing quality, some of it from your own confederation. There’s no hope for you.
The Serbs have an odd mix of veterans and youth. As the American World War II song went, “they’re either too young or too old.” Defensively disciplined, but lacking in offense (like so many teams, as we’re seeing), only a sinkhole opening up beneath the hotels of the other sides in this group will allow you to advance.
Switzerland World Cup disappointment is nothing new to the Swiss. Brazil looked like their best chance to date to get out of the Round of 16. They did not. Now most of the squad is four years older, and the offense is still limited.
The offense runs through and
only through Xherdan Shaquiri and Haris Seferovic. Stephan Lichsteiner still captains the squad and runs the defense, but this will be his last tango at the World Cup. Given how he and the rest of the team are chronic underachievers in this competition, I expect them to capitulate as usual.
Group F: Minefield Germany Here’s a horror story. Germany tea bagged Brazil 7-1 on their home turf in the semifinals in 2014.
I’m not done.
Most of that team is back.
All of the key players are still in their prime, with such players as Mesut Özil, Marco Reus, Thomas Müeller, Mats Hummels, and Jerome Boateng (if he’s healthy), and they still have one of the best keepers in the world in Manuel Neuer. Even their younger players have experience on the big stage because Germany has returned to being a footballing factory. Pretty much the only one that was lost was Miroslav Klose, and he was 38 in Brazil to start with.
The prohibitive favorite to repeat for a reason, these guys are ruthless. They do not know pain, they do not know fear. They are as intimidating as the Uruk-Hai that took Helm’s Deep.
South Korea I had the unique opportunity to see this team live late last year, and even though it was a friendly against Serbia, this team handily beat them and shockingly defeated Colombia to the country’s delight. These guys are fighters. They will not be the warm and fuzzy story (aided by ample home cooking) that the 2002 squad was, playing in front of the home fans.
This team is more than just Son Hyung-min. Ki Sung-yueng and Lee Jae-sun are the leaders on this team, and are creative lads on their own. Make no mistake: Son will carry this squad on offense. But the Taeguk Warriors will have plenty of moments where they simply outwork the other sides they play against. And I think they’ve got a good shot at that second spot. In fact, I think they’ll take it.
Mexico As a supporter of a confederation rival, fuck these guys. Fuck their diving, fuck their whining, fuck their ref-working, and fuck their supporters’ “our shit don’t stink” attitude. Arjen Robben’s dive and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar’s subsequent penalty conversion four years ago was karmic fucking justice.
That being said, this side—which arrogantly thinks their primary competition are sides in Europe, by the way—are old and have a penchant for a disappearing act. Players who were supposed to terrorize their CONCACAF brethren and give opposing teams fits for years have somehow turned into big balls of nothing. Giovanni dos Santos? Carlos Vela? Oribe Peralta? All guys that only show up when they feel like it. Also, what about that Great Wall of Guillermo (Ochoa)? Oh yeah, he similarly has disappeared since the 2014 World Cup. Manager Juan Carlos Osorio is also experimenting a bit too much with the squad ahead of a major tournament. Now where have I heard that before?
Even if you do make it to the Round of 16, I can’t see this team going much of anywhere beyond that. You’re fucked. P.S. Why the fuck is geriatric Rafa Marquez still on this squad?
Sweden Well, well, well. NOW you return to the World Cup after you totally waste the career of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the single best player you’ve ever had. He might’ve been able to help you at this point because this squad can’t seem to score. Four goals total in your last seven games? Good god, you’re making the entire sport look like a slog again!
I have no expectations for the Tre Kronor. As a matter of fact, I think they’re gonna pull a USA ’98 and score only one goal in group stage. It’ll be a miracle if they even get a draw out of this group.
That said, please embarrass Mexico, guys.
Group G: How Will England Blow It This Time? Belgium I’d have more faith in this squad, but there’s one reason I can’t get excited: Roberto Martinez. This guy took a dream situation at Everton and turned it into a goddamn nightmare. Expect his inept managing to squander even more of this golden generation that the Belgians are currently enjoying.
There’s plenty of great talent here, from Marouane Fellatio—I mean—Fellaini, Nacer Chadli, Kevin DeBruyne, Romelu Lukaku, and Christian Benteke. But the World Cup is where tactics and managing can win or lose games, and every decision is amplified even further.
You guys have put Belgium back on the map and given it levels of popularity not seen since Jean-Claude Van Damme, and you’re gonna crash out in the Round of 16 again—if you make it that far—because of your lolcow manager. You don’t have a USA squad to pick on this time. You’re gonna continue to waste this golden generation, and you make me fucking sick for doing so. You’re pathetic.
England Sam Allardyce getting caught in that scandal was the best thing to ever happen to the Three Lions. Gareth Southgate has restored some measure of belief to the English supporter’s groups due to his fixation on youth and a desire to start somewhat fresh after they and living corpse Roy Hodgson were pantsed in front of an international television audience—AGAIN—at Euro 2016.
World class lolcow and known Wold Cup boat anchor Wayne Rooney is gone, and the team is lean and mean in his place. There’s gobs of talent here, but can they play as a cohesive unit, which has been their Achilles’ heel for so long? Don’t be surprised if we see Southgate not even start his most-capped defender in Gary Cahill, maybe in favor of the uncapped Trent Alexander-Arnold? Also, Harry Kane is pretty good at soccer. Thought that was worth mentioning.
With how weak this group is, anything other than tops will be a bit of a shock. But remember: this is England we’re talking about. You specialize in finding new ways to kick your fans in the dick at every tournament. Two years ago, it was Iceland who administered podiatric trauma to the English groin region. The suspense is killing me as to how it’ll happen this time. I’ll have popcorn at the ready.
Panama The Soccer United Marketing inmates were running the USMNT asylum, and Panama benefited from this with their first-ever World Cup appearance.
If Serbia’s team was founded just after the Cambrian Explosion, then the Panamanian squad was formed shortly after the Earth cooled. As such, there’s a lot of international experience. But that is mostly against fellow CONCACAF rivals, which means they don’t have the big-game experience against European and African sides needed to go anywhere in this tournament. Possibly in a taste of what’s to come, they got ass-blasted in a friendly against Switzerland 6-0 in Lucerne.
Four key players: Jaime Penedo, Gabriel Gomez, Blas Perez, and Luis Tejeda are all 34 or older. These are the guys that run the show for Los Canaleros. Heavy legs will be one problem in this tournament, and a lack of quality will be the other. Don’t expect anything, Panama. Just enjoy the ride.
Tunisia In making their first World Cup since 2006, the Tunisians would have been my pick for the African Cinderella story. Then the World Cup draw happened. I think there’s still hope for the Tunisians, though. They’ve been performing in their friendlies against other World Cup sides like Portugal, Iran and Costa Rica. What makes this team potentially surprising is that not only are so many of their players in their prime, they’re playing with belief, and they’re playing for each other. If they were in a weaker group like, say, Group A or even Group H, I think they’d have a shot at the Round of 16.
But not in this group. They’ll give sides trouble, and they might even beat England, who always seem to play down to African sides. Colonial habits die hard, I guess. Good luck, Tunisia. You’re gonna need it.
Group H: Coffee, Sushi, Paczki, and Thiéboudienne Colombia A side that is fun to watch, and simultaneously infuriating. James Rodriguez has fallen off a cliff since his first season at Real Madrid, and Radamel Falcao hasn’t been himself since he first left Monaco and suffered a knee injury shortly thereafter.
This is likely Los Cafeteros last shot with their current core, but it’s unlikely they’ll make much noise in this tournament. Their best shot was four years ago in Brazil, when they were undone by home cooking and a lack of physical restraint against the hosts. Because this group is so weak, they’ll get into the knockout rounds. It’s anyone’s guess from there.
Japan Samurai Blue puzzles me. They either look like world-beaters, the class of Asia, or they’re completely punchless. The Japanese are possibly the oldest team in the tournament, and this could be our last chance to enjoy the company of guys like Shinji Okazaki, Keisuke Honda, and Makoto Hasebe.
Only five players on this team are under the age of 25, which means heavy legs will be a problem, and fast. Also, unlike their rivals in South Korea, they haven’t had any hot young talent come up in a while, so this might be the last time we see Japan on the international stage for a little bit.
If this team plays inspired soccer like they are known to at times, they will be dangerous. If they don’t and play soccer as staid and organized as their social hierarchy, this team will finish at or near the cellar. I’m picking the latter.
Senegal I’ve learned my lesson. Every time I pick Senegal to make some noise in the World Cup like they did in 2002, I get set up for disappointment. Not this time, guys.
They may have a world-class striker in Sadio Mane, but their smattering of talent that plays in some pretty competitive leagues all over Europe is usually not enough when they are put together as a whole. And that’s what makes me sad about Senegal: clearly, they have talent. They have quality. But they can’t do it all at once for the national team, for one reason or another.
And that, my friends, is how I lost my faith in Senegal. You guys make me sick.
That said, watch them make a miracle run to the quarterfinals. Book it, Vince.
Poland You guys lost to Nigeria in a friendly in March? AND Mexico? What the fuck is the matter with you? Way to make that 5th-place finish in Euro 2016 look like a fluke, you assholes. That’s what I get for getting my hopes up again.
There’s a lot to like about the Poles, and Robert Lewandowski is easily the best striker they’ve ever had. But with those pre-World Cup friendlies being the disasters they were, I can’t see this team doing anything in an admittedly weak group. They have no excuse to not get into the knockout rounds.
Television Snow You want predictions? Bitch, this entire Reddit is where predictions go to die. I’ll make them anyway, though. The following are my 16 teams (with group positions) that will make it to the knockout rounds.
Uruguay (A1), Egypt (A2), Spain (B1), Portugal (B2), France (C1), Peru (C2), Argentina (D1), Iceland (D2), Brazil (E1), Costa Rica (E2), Germany (F1), South Korea (F2), England (G1), Belgium (G2), Senegal (H1), Colombia (H2).
I don’t see the same level of quality in this tournament that I did four years ago. We had generational talents at or in their prime seemingly all across the spectrum in Brazil, but very few teams seem to be organized or willing enough to make the needed youth movements. Squads like Spain, Japan, Colombia, and Mexico come to mind.
That’s where the Germans come in. I had them winning in 2014 simply because I felt they were the best-balanced team, but little did I know how ruthless they would be. Their team setup is perfect. The project the German football federation enacted ahead of the 2006 World Cup has borne the best possible fruit: a team of efficient professionals that have a mean streak and a killer instinct.
With most of the world champion squad returning from Brazil, an eagerness to avenge their semifinal exit in the European Championships two years ago, and with just how ruthlessly efficient and focused this team always seems to be, expect Operation Barbarossa: Fußball Edition to succeed.
They’ll defeat Brazil to do it. The national trauma will intensify as Brazil fails to gain revenge for the Maracana Massacre. Cachaça shortages will abound as Die Nationalmannschaft salt the earth, slaughter everyone, and turn the livestock into bratwurst. They’ll do to you what you’re doing to the Amazon rainforest.
Have a nice day.
TELEVISION SNOW Thanks for reading! Check out my other soccer articles
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